Kingdom Living Insights – Biblical Virtues Series – Self-Control and Its Opposites

In the previous post, we looked at gentleness. The next virtue Paul mentions is self-control.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faith, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Galatians 5:22–23 (WEB)

When we think about self-control, we often think about trying harder to stop doing something. But how do we deal with a desire or reaction that keeps returning? This is where we need the Holy Spirit. God does not leave us to fight sin in our own strength. He works in our hearts and teaches us to live according to His Word.

 

What Is Self-Control?

Self-control means that we do not allow our desires, emotions, or impulses to rule our choices. We bring them before God and allow Him to show us what is right.

Having a strong feeling does not mean that we should act on it. We can feel angry without speaking cruelly, be tempted without giving in, or want something without needing to have it immediately. The Lord helps us recognize the difference between what we feel and what we should do.

For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation to all men, instructing us to the intent that, denying ungodliness and worldly lusts, we would live soberly, righteously, and godly in this present age; Titus 2:11–12 (WEB)

God’s grace does more than forgive us. It teaches us to turn away from ungodliness and live in a way that pleases Him. This involves a willing response from us. When the Holy Spirit shows us that something needs to change, we should not keep making excuses for it.

 

Why We Need Self-Control

Proverbs compares a person without restraint to a city without walls.

Like a city that is broken down and without walls is a man whose spirit is without restraint. Proverbs 25:28 (WEB)

Without walls, a city has little protection. This helps us understand why self-control matters. When we follow every desire or react immediately to every feeling, we leave room for choices that can hurt us and the people around us.

An angry message can damage a friendship. Careless spending can create problems for a household. A secret conversation can lead to unfaithfulness in marriage. These things often begin with a choice that seems small at the time.

God wants us to pay attention before a pattern becomes established. If something repeatedly draws us into sin, we need to deal with it honestly rather than assume that next time will be different.

 

Self-Control in Our Words

Our words are one of the clearest places where we need God’s help. Once something hurtful has been said, we cannot simply take it back.

So, then, my beloved brothers, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger; for the anger of man doesn’t produce the righteousness of God. James 1:19–20 (WEB)

Listening gives us time to understand instead of assuming that we already know what the other person means. A pause can also help us recognize when frustration is taking over.

This is important at home. Being tired or under pressure does not give us permission to speak harshly to our spouse or children. If we need a moment to calm down, we can explain that and return to the conversation when we are ready to listen and speak respectfully.

Self-control also applies to what we share online. Before posting a comment or joining an argument, we can consider whether our words are helpful and whether we are speaking out of love or simply wanting to prove a point.

 

What Has Power Over Us?

Paul wrote:

“All things are lawful for me,” but not all things are expedient. “All things are lawful for me,” but I will not be brought under the power of anything. 1 Corinthians 6:12 (WEB)

Something does not have to look obviously harmful to begin taking too much space in our lives. Entertainment, shopping, social media, or the desire for approval can become difficult to put aside.

We should be willing to ask ourselves whether a habit is interfering with prayer, responsibilities, rest, or relationships. If it is, the answer is not to hide it from God. We can ask Him to help us make changes and be honest about the support we need.

Self-control is not about refusing every good thing. God has given us things to enjoy. The concern is whether we are using them wisely or allowing them to control us.

 

What Opposes Self-Control?

The works of the flesh draw us toward satisfying ourselves without considering what is right before God. Several attitudes can make this especially difficult.

Uncontrolled Anger

Anger becomes destructive when we use it to justify shouting, insults, threats, or actions that frighten and hurt others.

Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, outcry, and slander be put away from you, with all malice. Ephesians 4:31 (WEB)

We should not dismiss this behavior by saying, “That is just how I am.” God calls us to change. If anger has become a repeated problem, repentance needs to be followed by practical action and appropriate help.

Feeling angry and choosing to harm someone are not the same thing. The Lord can help us address what is wrong without allowing anger to direct our response.

Aggression, Violence, Abuse, and Crime

Aggression, violence, and abuse stand against a life marked by self-control, love, and respect for others. Threatening, intimidating, humiliating, controlling, or harming another person should never be excused as “just losing my temper.”

Abuse is not limited to physical violence. It can include emotional cruelty, sexual abuse, financial control, and the misuse of spiritual authority. Using Scripture, religious standing, or claims about God’s will to frighten, silence, or manipulate someone is not godly leadership.

These actions are not always impulsive; they may also be deliberate. Theft, assault, fraud, murder, and other criminal acts likewise cannot be excused by anger, greed, or desire. We are responsible for our choices and the harm they cause.

Yahweh examines the righteous, but his soul hates the wicked and him who loves violence. Psalm 11:5 (WEB)

Growing in self-control means more than suppressing an outburst. It means refusing to mistreat others, acknowledging wrongdoing without blaming the person harmed, and accepting accountability. Repentance must be accompanied by changed behavior – not merely promises or apologies.

The safety of those experiencing abuse must come first. Forgiveness should never be used to pressure someone to remain in danger, keep abuse secret, or avoid seeking protection and appropriate help.

Lust and Sexual Immorality

Sexual desires also need to be brought under God’s guidance. His Word is clear that we should turn away from sexual immorality.

For this is the will of God: your sanctification, that you abstain from sexual immorality, 1 Thessalonians 4:3 (WEB)

Sexual intimacy belongs within marriage. We should not have intimate or sexual relationships with anyone other than our spouse.

This also means being careful about what we deliberately watch, read, or entertain in our thoughts. Feeding lust makes it harder to resist. Rather than keeping a door open to temptation, we need to remove what encourages it and seek help if we are struggling.

Pornography is a serious issue for many people, including believers. It can become a hidden struggle that brings shame, damages trust, and keeps drawing a person back to lust. We should not treat it as harmless entertainment or something that does not matter because nobody else knows about it. God sees what is happening in our hearts, and He wants to help us turn away from it.

Jesus said:

but I tell you that everyone who gazes at a woman to lust after her has committed adultery with her already in his heart. Matthew 5:28 (WEB)

Deliberately looking in order to lust is not the same as noticing that someone is attractive. Jesus is speaking about a choice of the heart. Pornography encourages that deliberate choice, and it should not have a place in our lives.

Overcoming this struggle requires self-control and the help of the Holy Spirit. Willpower alone is not enough to change the heart. We need to come to God honestly, confess the sin, and ask Him to help us deal with the desires and habits that keep leading us back to it.

Practical changes are important too. Removing access to pornography, using content filters, avoiding situations where we know we are vulnerable, and speaking with a trustworthy, mature believer can help us stop protecting the habit. If the behavior has become compulsive, professional counseling may also be needed. Seeking help does not show a lack of faith.

Shame often makes us want to hide, but secrecy allows the struggle to continue. God does not ask us to overcome it before we come to Him. We can come while we are struggling and allow Him to lead us toward repentance, support, and change.

An unwanted thought is not the same as choosing to dwell on it. When temptation comes, we can turn our attention away and ask the Lord for help rather than accepting it as something we must follow.

Greed and Covetousness

Greed keeps telling us that we need more. It can make us dissatisfied with what God has provided and resentful of what others have.

He said to them, “Beware! Keep yourselves from covetousness, for a man’s life doesn’t consist of the abundance of the things which he possesses.” Luke 12:15 (WEB)

Wanting something does not mean that we need to buy it. Learning to wait and consider our responsibilities can protect us from decisions made only for immediate satisfaction. Gratitude helps us appreciate what we have instead of constantly looking at what is missing.

Excess and Indulgence

Indulgence puts pleasure ahead of wisdom. We can become so focused on what we enjoy that responsibilities, relationships, or our health are neglected.

There is a difference between enjoying something and feeling unable to stop. When a habit has become harmful, we need honesty rather than excuses.

Addiction and eating disorders should not be dismissed as a simple lack of willpower. Professional care and ongoing support may be needed. Asking for help is not a failure of faith.

Careless Speech

Gossip, slander, mocking, exaggeration, and revealing private matters show how easily our speech can get ahead of our judgment. The desire to be included in a conversation can become more important than another person’s dignity.

We do not need to share everything we know or respond to every comment. Faithfulness and gentleness should guide our speech, while self-control helps us stop when we are about to say something harmful.

Impulsiveness

Acting without thought can affect more than the moment we are in. A rushed decision may involve money, a relationship, a commitment, or something we cannot easily undo.

Taking time to pray and seek advice can help us see more clearly. We should not confuse a strong urge with God’s leading. His Word gives us a foundation for deciding what is right.

 

When We Have Failed

Seeing these struggles in our own lives can be uncomfortable. But God’s correction is an invitation to come to Him, not a reason to hide.

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and righteous to forgive us the sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9 (WEB)

If we have hurt someone, we need to take responsibility without blaming our feelings or circumstances. A sincere apology matters, but it should also be followed by a willingness to change.

The Lord can show us what that change requires. It could involve setting a boundary around a habit, asking someone to support us, or seeking professional help. We do not have to pretend that the struggle is small in order to bring it before Him.

 

Growing in Self-Control

Self-control grows as we walk with the Holy Spirit and respond to what God teaches us. Prayer and Scripture help us recognize where our choices are taking us. Obedience gives us the opportunity to put that truth into practice.

We can begin with the area God is bringing to our attention today. Instead of trying to change everything at once, we can ask Him for wisdom about the next step and follow through with it.

The Lord knows our weakness. He also knows how to help us grow. We can depend on Him while taking responsibility for the choices that are ours to make.

 

Reflection Question

What is God showing us about the desires, reactions, or habits that have too much control in our lives?

Prayer

Dear Father in Heaven, thank You that You do not leave us to struggle alone. Forgive us for allowing our desires and emotions to lead us into sin or hurt the people around us. Show us where change is needed, and help us respond to Your correction honestly. Teach us to listen, guard our words, resist temptation, and use what You have given us wisely. Give us the courage to bring hidden struggles into the light and seek help where we need it. Please grow self-control in us through the Holy Spirit. In Jesus’ name. Amen.